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The
Role of Self-Talk in
Surviving Transitions
An
Exercise you can do to deal
with the Empty Nest
Transitions
Ever
hear the saying "the
power of positive
thinking"? There may be
a great deal of support for
this cliché, especially
when it comes to dealing
with painful life
transitions, those times
which challenge our sense of
ourselves and our purpose in
life. How we perceive events
and what we tell ourselves
about those events can have
an incredible impact on our
actions and even our
psychological health.
As
an example, those suffering
from depression are far more
likely to show a negative
thinking pattern – they
are less likely to remember
positive memories and
experience most interactions
as a confirmation of their
negative thoughts about
themselves and the world.
Often, when something goes
wrong, those suffering from
depression will take it as
an indication that they
"are worthless",
that "the world doesn't
like them", or that
they "can't do anything
right". Interestingly,
as the depression lightens,
so does the frequency of
negative thoughts.
So
what does this mean for
those dealing with Empty
Nest? How can this help you
get through this difficult
transition? During the
coming day or so, try to pay
attention to what you say
when thinking about your
child leaving and about your
future. Listen not only to
the words you say but also
to the thoughts that pop
into your head and heart.
That internal voice, often
called your Gremlin, appears
during difficult times,
raising self-doubts and
influencing how we respond
to circumstances in our
lives.
Battling
the Gremlin isn't easy but
being able to can make a
significant difference in
how you approach and survive
during difficult events in
your life. The first step is
becoming aware of what it
says. Does it question
whether you can handle
difficulties? Does it bring
up feelings of being
abandoned, past pains of
"failing", or make
your worry about what others
think? The Gremlin's input
is often so subtle that we
are barely aware that these
are just our own self-doubts
and so we assume that what
it is saying is based in
reality or fact. What's
important to remember, as
you listen, is that these
thoughts are yours and as
such, are something you can
change. How?
The
next step is countering
those negative thoughts. Do
you find yourself saying
"I've lost my child
forever."? Think how
different you would feel if
you said to yourself "I
haven't lost my child as I
am still her mother but our
relationship is changing.
It's hard to adjust to now
but I can do it and our new
relationship may be even
better."
Instead
of saying "This
transition is going to kill
me" it's probably more
realistic and positive to
say "This is a really
difficult time and I feel
sad. But I can get through
this time. I have gotten
through other difficult
times" .
Instead
of telling yourself
"The only thing that
gave my life meaning was
being a parent",
congratulate yourself for
being a good parent and
begin to remember other
things which have given your
life meaning or things you
may want to pursue once you
are through this difficult
transition. Positive
thinking may help you to
realize that "Parenting
gave my life meaning for the
past 20 years, and will
continue to be an important
part of my life.
But, I now have the
time to create my next life
to do things for myself. I
deserve it because I was a
good parent.".
See
if that feels different. It
may take a while, but this
simple change in our
self-talk can begin to make
a difference, can help you
survive and actually
flourish during times of
transition. And
if the sadness is so
prevalent that you can't
even begin to see the other
side, you might consider
talking with a coach or
counselor who can work with
you, provide you with the
tools to reframe your
perceptions and begin to see
that Empty Nest is not an
ending but rather a time of
change and potential.
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