I have been with
a man for 17 years
who loves my three
children from a
previous marriage.
We live in a home I
have long owned. He
finally closed a
failing business
that kept him in
debt. I often worked
two jobs to pay the
bills while the kids
were growing up. He
has always given his
mom one-sided views
of our relationship.
Now she is trying to
lure him back to a
relationship with a
girl he knew in his
20s. His mother also
wants him to buy a
house of his own,
which he thinks will
help us recapture
our romance. No one
in the family tells
Mom to butt out of
his business. I have
told my guy that if
he doesn't want to
fix our relationship
he needs to go. He
said I need to go to
court if I want him
out. How do I handle
his meddlesome
mother?
Focus less on
Meddlesome Mom and
more on the
compliant son she
created. Married or
not, most offspring
with intact
backbones would have
established firmer
boundaries long ago.
Loverboy doesn't
seem to be playing
on your team at all.
You ordered him to
leave; is it any
surprise that Mom's
looking out for his
social life?
Besides, delivering
ultimatums doesn't
further your goal of
working things out,
since you don't know
how and neither does
he. So you're stuck
lobbing poison darts
at each other.
That's a handy
outlet for
resentment and
you've got lots to
resent—his failure
to stand up to Mom,
the sacrifices you
made for the team
you thought you were
both on, his failure
to pay you back in
any way and now his
receptiveness to an
old flame. But
resentment is toxic
to a household,
making the siren
calls of an old
flame welcome
relief.
Hiding under any
resentment is pain.
It's time to let
yourself feel it—and
to tell Loverboy
(nicely!) how deeply
you are hurt. Also
tell him what you
want for the future,
and precisely what
you would like him
to do to help bring
it about. If he
can't respond
empathetically, set
a date for his
departure. Also
ponder the lessons
learned. In this
case, a marriage
license might have
helped deter Mom's
most egregious
moves.
