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Summarized
by Vicki Rackner
September 25, 2006
Dr
Vicki Rackner is a
board-certified surgeon who
has devoted herself recently
to providing advice to
caregivers and their loved
ones. Here's the third of
several articles she has
written. Robert Griffith,
Editor.
Summary
Hopes
and dreams are critical
ingredients in the lives of
caregivers and their loved
ones.
Introduction
It's
human nature to hang onto
two basic hopes - the hope
of overcoming illness and
the hope of delaying death.
However, in many cases the
reality is that your loved
one faces a steady medical
decline, a life-threatening
illness or impending death.
Hope
is like the vase that
contains your sweet-smelling
colorful dreams. Dreams,
like flowers, change over
the seasons of life and the
stages of caregiving. Yet,
no matter how desperate the
situation, there is always
room for hope and dreams.
It's the magical salve for
the suffering of caregivers
and their loved ones.
Hope
is the optimistic belief
that you can expect a better
tomorrow.
Sometimes
that better tomorrow happens
because of something that
changes in the outside world
- such as a new drug or
unexpected help. Sometimes
the better tomorrow arrives
because you see things from
a new perspective. Hopes and
dreams become the guiding
light for the tough choices
that you and your loved ones
face.
Here
are 7 tips for hanging onto
hope:
1.
Give a voice to your secret
longings, wishes and dreams:
If you had a magic wand,
what would you wish for?
Maybe it's turning back the
sands of time and taking
away the car keys from your
father instead of sitting at
his hospital bedside where
he is recovering from the
car accident he caused.
Maybe it's imagining that
you'll turn on the news and
learn of a new miracle cure
for the cancer that's taking
over your mother's body or
for the dementia that's
erasing your grandmother's
memories. Hope might be
something simple like a good
night's sleep for you and
your loved one. Say it out
loud, "We could use a
good night's sleep."
2.
Define the reality:
In the course of taking care
of tens of thousands of
patients, I've seen miracles
happen. However, most people
experience likely events.
Grasp an understanding of
your current reality based
on what's most likely to
happen naturally.
When
you define the most likely
outcome, it helps you decide
where to place your hopes.
For example, a friend of
mine who is a family doctor
told me of a conversation
between him and a loving
mother whose 6-year-old
child had a relapse of
leukemia after a bone marrow
transplant. There was an
experimental treatment
offered halfway across the
country. The mother wanted
to know where to take her
child: to a new hospital
across the country for lots
of "pokeys" as her
son called them, or
Disneyland to enjoy the
final days of his life. Does
she hope for a cure, or for
the fullest remaining days
of her child's life?
3.
Recognize your loved one's
hopes may be different from
your own: The mother
of the 6-year-old made the
medical choices for her son.
What if the person with the
leukemia is your father, who
is competent to make his own
medical choices? Maybe you
cannot bear the thought of
losing him and hope that a
new treatment will cure him.
Maybe your father shares
that perspective. However,
what if he considers
experimental treatment with
certain discomfort and an
uncertain benefit and
decides he would rather live
out his days enjoying his
grandchildren?
You
may find it difficult to
support him. You don't want
to burden your loved one
with your disappointment
that he has placed hope in a
different place than you
would if you were in his
shoes. That's when you turn
to a trusted friend and say,
"I wish Dad would make
a different choice. I want
him to fight. I'm sad and
angry that he's chosen
death."
4.
Honor your loved one's
hopes: As a
caregiver, it's important to
understand that your loved
one is the patient. It's his
or her body and life. As
much as you think you know
what the best choice is,
your job is to help your
loved ones realize their
hopes.
5.
Mourn the loss of the old
dream: Gretta said,
"Mom had always hoped
to live all of her days in
her home filled with the
memories of Dad and small
children and happy holidays
. . .and not so happy
holidays. It just wasn't
safe any more. We moved her
to a terrific retirement
community that has
everything she wants,
including a beautiful
garden. Still, she's sad
because it's not what she
had always imagined."
You
too could have a dream of a
healthy and independent
loved one that's hard to let
go of. The loss of a dream
can be as painful as the
loss of a loved one.
Mourning the loss of a dream
brings healing.
6.
Create a new dream:
You can still have hopes and
dreams! They're just
different. Maybe the hope
for cure is replaced with
the hope for days or hours
or moments free of pain.
Maybe it's the dream that
your fragmented family will
come together and heal old
wounds around the deathbed.
State
your dreams as attaining
something you want rather
than avoiding something you
don't want. As medical
conditions change, it's
important that you and your
loved one revisit the dream.
If you're disappointed about
the course of events, ask,
"Is this the loss of a
dream, or a hope I can
fulfill?"
7.
Focus on your loved one:
Always remember, caregiving
is first and foremost about
supporting the person you
love. Yes, you as a
caregiver have hopes and
dreams. Maybe the heart of
caregiving is the
willingness to fulfill the
hopes and dreams - the vase
filled with brilliant blooms
- of those for whom you
care, whether or not you
hold the same vision.
Follow
these tips, and you will be
sure to hold onto your hopes
and dreams. Remember, no
matter how desperate the
situation, there's still
hope for the dream. The
dream will change as the
condition of your loved one
change. Just like there's
always a flower to put in a
vase - there's always hope.
Want
more tips about caregiving?
Empower yourself with the
tips and tools that will
help you partner with their
doctor more effectively
& save your loved ones
life at: http://www.drvicki.org/drvicki-store-health-journal.html
Source
- Vicki
Rackner MD. Dr. Vicki is
a board-certified
surgeon and Clinical
Instructor at the
University of Washington
School of Medicine, who
left the operating room
to help caregivers and
patients take the most
direct path from illness
to optimal health.
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