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Summarized
by Vicki Rackner
August
28, 2006
Dr
Vicki Rackner is a
board-certified surgeon who
has devoted herself recently
to providing advice to
caregivers and their loved
ones. Here's the first of
several articles she has
written. Robert Griffith,
Editor.
Managing
Caregiver Guilt
8
Tips for Managing Guilt So
That It Serves You, and
Doesn't Imprison You
Introduction
Guilt
is a common feeling in the
landscape of care giving.
Guilt can propel you to be
the best you can be . . . or
it can immobilize you.
For
caregivers, painful feelings
- such as guilt, sadness and
anger - are like any other
pain. It's your body's way
of saying, "Pay
attention." Just as the
pain of a burned finger
pulls your hand from the
stove, so, too, guilt guides
your actions and optimizes
your health.
You
have a picture of the
"Ideal You" with
values you hold and how you
relate to yourself and
others. Guilt often arises
when there's a mismatch
between your day-to-day
choices and the choices the
"Ideal You" would
have made. The "Ideal
You" may be a parent
who attends all of the kids'
soccer games. Miss a game to
take your dad to the doctor,
and you think you're falling
short.
You
may have needs out of line
with this "Ideal
You." You may believe
that your own needs are
insignificant, compared to
the needs of your sick loved
one. You then feel guilty
when you even recognize your
needs, much less act upon
them. A mother may ask
herself, "How can I go
out for a walk with my kids
when my mother is at home in
pain?" (A hint for this
mother: she can give more to
her mother with an open
heart when she takes good
care of herself.)
You
may have feelings misaligned
with the "Ideal
You." Feeling angry
about the injustice of your
loved one's illness? You
might even feel angry at
your loved one for getting
sick! Recognizing those
feelings can produce a
healthy dose of guilt. Yes,
you may even feel guilty
about feeling guilty.
"Why
did my loved one get
sick?" you may ask.
Perhaps, if the "Ideal
You" acted more often,
your loved one would be
healthy. What if you served
more healthful meals? What
if you called 911, instead
of believing your husband
when he said his chest pain
was just "a little
heartburn"?
If
you're the kind of person
prone to guilt, learn to
manage guilt so that guilt
serves you rather than
imprisons you. Here are 8
tips for managing your
caregiver guilt:
1.
Recognize the feeling of
guilt: Unrecognized
guilt eats at your soul.
Name it; look at the monster
under the bed.
2.
Identify other feelings: Often,
there are feelings under the
feeling of guilt. Name
those, too. For example, say
to yourself: "I hate to
admit this to myself, but
I'm resentful that dad's
illness changed all of our
lives." Once you put it
into words, you will have a
new perspective. You will
also be reminding yourself
of how fortunate you are to
have what it takes to take
care of loved one.
3.
Be compassionate with
yourself: Cloudy
moods, like cloudy days,
come and go. There's no one
way a caregiver should feel.
When you give yourself
permission to have any
feeling, and recognized that
your feelings don't control
your actions, your guilt
will subside.
4.
Look for the cause of the
guilt: What is the
mismatch between this
"Ideal You" and
the real you? Do you have an
unmet need? Do you need to
change your actions so that
they align with your values?
5.
Take action: Meet
your needs. Needs are not
bad or good; they just are.
If you need some time alone,
find someone to be with your
loved one.
6.
Change your behavior to fit
your values: For
example, Clara felt guilty
because her friend was in
the hospital and she didn't
send a card. Her guilt
propelled her to buy some
beautiful blank cards to
make it easier for her to
drop a note the next time.
7.
Ask for help: Call a
friend and say, "I'm
going through a hard time.
Do you have a few minutes
just to listen?" Have a
family meeting and say,
"Our lives have been a
lot different since grandma
got sick. I'm spending more
time with her. Let's figure
out together how we'll get
everything done."
8.
Revisit and reinvent the
"Ideal You":
You made the best choices
based on your resources and
knowledge at the time. As
you look to the future, you
can create a refined vision
of the "Ideal
You." What legacy do
you want to leave? What
values do you hold dear?
Then, when you wake up in
the morning and put on your
clothes, imagine dressing
the "Ideal You."
Let this reinvented
"Ideal You" make
those moment-to-moment
choices that create your
legacy.
Understand
that you will be a more
effective caregiver when you
care for the caregiver
first. Loved ones neither
want nor expect selfless
servants. As a caregiver,
when you care for yourself,
you increase and improve
your own caring. Yes, guilt
is part of caregiving, but
this guilt can help you
become the caregiver you and
your loved one want you to
be.
Want
more tips about caregiving?
Get your free report
"Caring for the
Caregiver" by emailing
Dr. Vicki Rackner today at DrVicki@DrVicki.org
Source
- Vicki
Rackner MD. Dr. Vicki is
a board-certified
surgeon and Clinical
Instructor at the
University of Washington
School of Medicine, who
left the operating room
to help caregivers and
patients take the most
direct path from illness
to optimal health
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