Growing Pains…..by Debi Simmons

Here I am in the wee hours writing this “tribute” to my pitiful self. Because I know, without a doubt, I am enveloped with this sad condition because I have become yet another mother with grown children. I was a stay at home mom for eleven years. Very into my children’s business. They were not ideal years but the best time of my life.

I remember so vividly dreaming of the day when I would be on my own again. I had big plans! I’d have a lovely flower garden, I’d keep a perfect house, I’d sip tea and relax on the patio. Oh what a wonderful time I’d have! Well the time is here and I absolutely am not ready! It’s like the time I was giving birth to my third child. In the midst of hard labor I yelled at my doctor “I can’t do this!”

Needless to say I did. I think that’s exactly where I’m at now. I’m in intense pain of another sort, and I once again want to scream out “I can’t do this either!” But I see even as I write this, I will do this, go through this stage and I’ll probably get used to it and who knows I may even enjoy something about it dare I confess.

Now that I have buffered you with a little humor I’ll tell you the facts. My eldest son died in an ATV accident three years ago. In the midst of this my mother became seriously ill and I had to care for her. My middle child recently got married. She didn’t move out to go to college like her friends. She went to the local college and stayed home because she hated to leave me after our loss. Now my “baby” is nearly out of high school, and is hardly ever here except to eat, sleep, etc. My dear mother passed this Christmas Eve. Everyone I built my life around is taking off! My husband of 25 years is still here (even though I’m a certified golf widow).

So here I am having this pity party writing a tragic sounding piece. Well there’s no closure to this story, of course, as I do have to live the remainder of this life. I’m just having “growing pains” and I do have hope things will get better. I will find a way, a new purpose, a new goal. Just as soon as the pain stops I will!

He’s Gone…..by Mary L. Hayden

The last of my chicks has flown the nest. How empty this nest is. And it happened so fast! I mean, last week I was bringing him home from the hospital in my arms. And this week, he is off to college.

He is my heart, this youngest of my children. It does seem fitting. My firstborn was the love of my life before any siblings were even contemplated. We had those first few years to revel in that love. Pregnant with the next one, I knew quite well that I couldn’t possibly love another as I loved that firstborn, my little man.

I watched my firstborn grow and I grew with him. We learned to crawl together, to laugh together, to cry together. He began walking early and ran shortly after. He was in such a hurry, always running ahead. He headed toward independence so quickly.

And then there were two. And I found out that God just gives you a larger capacity to love.

And I was proud that my firstborn was learning independence. Here was the child of my heart, my baby. He would be more slowly developing independence, not for himself, but for me. He was my cuddler, longer than my firstborn, who was always in a hurry to discover something new.

And I needed this time.

How I needed this time.

But now he’s gone and a mother’s heart is broken. Not that I want it any other way. Independence is the way it’s supposed to be with sons. God gives sons to special moms. Moms who will survive when the time for them to fly comes. Moms who will do their crying in secret, all the while cheering them on in public. Moms whose hearts can handle breaking.

For the adage is true: A son is a son ’till he takes a wife; a daughter is a daughter all her life.

Out the Other Side…..by Shelly Bovey</>

I never thought there would be grief like it. When my eldest child, Jane, went to the States for a year when she was 18, I realized that I was a prime contender for severe empty nest syndrome. I did all the classic things – wandering into her bedroom, smelling her clothes, lying on her bed hugging a teddy bear. And I thought `Four whole seasons have to pass before I see her again how will I bear it?` Needless to say I cried a lot though I knew that I had two other children who needed me to be my usual self so I put on a brave face.

I didn’t do too well when she was away – naturally I wanted her to come back to the UK. But I had to learn that we cannot determine our children’s future; they will make their own decisions and one of the hard things is that those decisions often don’t include their parents.

Jane loved the States – and stayed for seven years! When she returned, I had to build a different kind of relationship with her. She was an adult; her grown-up opinions formed in another country, another culture. She was no longer a child – though if I live until she is 50 she will always be my child.

While Jane was away, my second daughter left to go to university. I thought this would be easier – she’d be in this country, I could see her at weekends, she wouldn’t be so out of reach. But in many ways it was no easier. The house became increasingly silent – Lindsay is a sociable girl! And once again I had to learn the lesson that they will do things their way. She did not often come home for weekends, she was having such a good time at university and she was building her life there. The university town became her town and our little country home seemed boring and irrelevant to her fast new life.

I had searched for a book to help me through this; my way of dealing with problems, finding information and sharing in the experience of others has always been through books. But there was no book on Empty Nest Syndrome. I couldn’t believe it! I’m a writer myself, so my agent said `Go on then, get on and write it.` I did and it helped a lot. I spoke to hundreds of women who experienced empty nest syndrome in a variety of ways, not all of them sad or heart-wrenching. Some were positive, starting new careers or courses of study. But most were deeply affected and the word that cropped up most frequently was `bereavement.` The book: `The Empty Nest: When Children Leave Home` was published but I still had to face the final test: the leaving of my son, my youngest.

Well, he left nearly four years ago now and I’m here to tell you it’s OK! My life is wonderful now. I see a lot of the children and it’s absolutely great watching them shape their adult lives. I’ve learned that their schedules are often too jam-packed to find time to come home – so I go to them. We meet as a family as often as we can and there is always so much news to exchange. It’s incredibly exciting hearing about what they are doing and I am so proud of them.

And – dare I say this? – when they’ve all been here for a few days it’s rather nice to have peace and quiet when they’ve gone again! In the days when I was mourning the silence and the absence of boots clumping up and down the stairs, I would never have believed I could ever say such a thing! Now, though, I feel I have the best of both worlds. And believe me, there was no empty-nester as depressed, grief-stricken and hope-less than I was.

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